I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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