You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
