Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
