I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
