You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
