Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
