Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
