I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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