She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
please don't ironically join a cult
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