how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
