This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Randomize
