Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
