i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
