Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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