There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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