Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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