Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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