I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
pop tarts are not kleenex
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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