The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
