I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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