I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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