I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
