omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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