NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
