My hand turned me down
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
