If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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