dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
