Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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