make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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