you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
