So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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