my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
