I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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