He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
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