12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
