Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
