Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
