So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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