Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
