yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
