Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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