I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
