You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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