I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
