Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
