walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
