Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
