the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
