I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
