Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
