There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
