Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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