isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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