4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
