I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
