she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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