I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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